Transcript:

Tom: Good evening, Quahog! I'm Tom Tucker, and welcome to Quahog 5 News. Tonight, we have a shocking turn of events that you won't believe. But first, let me introduce my co-anchor, Diane.
Diane: *gurgling noises*
Tom: That's right, folks. Diane has been having some trouble pronouncing the number '5' correctly. And it seems she just can't get it right. It's become a running joke here at the station, but tonight, things have taken a dark turn.
Diane: *gurgling noises*
Tom: In a moment of frustration, I took matters into my own hands and shot Diane in the face with a shotgun, live on air. Let's take a look at the footage.
Diane: *gurgling noises*
Tom: Oh, the sweet sound of justice. Now, let's go to our field reporter, Tricia Takanawa, who is at the scene. Tricia, what can you tell us?
Tricia: Tom, this is absolutely horrifying. I've never seen anything like it. Diane is lying on the floor, covered in blood, still making those disturbing noises. It's a truly gruesome scene.
Tom: Thank you, Tricia. It's important to note that this act was not premeditated. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision fueled by frustration. However, I stand by my actions. Diane had it coming.
Diane: *gurgling noises*
Tom: Now, let's hear the opinion of our viewers. We have Carter Pewterschmidt on the line. Carter, what are your thoughts on this shocking incident?
Carter: Well, Tom, I must say, Diane's inability to say '5' correctly has been a constant annoyance. It's about time someone taught her a lesson. Kudos to you for taking action!